what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
