nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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