No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
