if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
