I wish I only lived at night.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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