Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
