I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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