T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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