I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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