Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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