Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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