So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
