Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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