Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
