and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
