God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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