so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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