his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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