my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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