I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
