I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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