Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
