someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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