Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Life is so much better after having sex.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
