I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He felt like a one man threesome
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
we should paint friendship bongs
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
