I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
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