She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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