Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
