There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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