I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
