He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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