In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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