just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
