My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
