Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
