she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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