You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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