Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
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