scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
