Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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