Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
