why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
