Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
