Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
