yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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