chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she pinky promised me she was 18
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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