stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
