If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
