We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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