shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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