I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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