just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
