This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Less talking, more tequila
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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