You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
