it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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