I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
